Rightful thinking

Tomorrow I will report to a building in downtown Honolulu at precisely 9:20 a.m.. To the armed sentry I will surrender my Alien Identification Card and a letter issued by Homeland Security on what look likes banknote paper. At the appointed hour I will be escorted into the presence of an Interviewer. The Interviewer will quiz me to determine just how grievous my character flaws actually are, to gauge my fluency in English, and to measure the depth of my knowledge about civics and history as they relate to the United States. If I pass this interview and its tests I hope to be granted citizenship in the country that has been my home for almost twenty years.

I have been studying for the civics test, and despite the fact that I have taught American History for years I have learned a few things. There are 96 questions to which one must know the answer. I appreciate the heads-up because I would have probably got some of them wrong by virtue of over-thinking them.

What is the constitution? Think about it citizens. How would you answer that?

The answer is "The supreme law of the land." It's that simple. Forget sacred documents, forget shared understandings, just go with the answer which is not a bad summary.

How about this one: what were the 13 original states? If that one doesn't stop you cold in your tracks, you're unnatural. Who would be able to rattle those off, and for god's sake why would you want to be able to? I won't list them all, but I will tell you the mnemonic device I created in order to answer the question. "Calm down, Granny! Many more new hamsters, new gerbils (and) new yaks, north and south, relentlessly pee on Virginia."

The rest are easy, except may be the one about"What constitutional amendments relate to voting rights?" (15, 19, 24 and 26, but you probably knew that. (Race, gender, poll-tax, age 18.))

There are also about 100 sentences that one might wish to memorize in order to display a working knowledge of written English. Among them are such treasures as:

1. The colors of the American fag (sic) are red, white and blue.
2. He is lucky to have such a good wife.
3. My car is broken.
4. It's a good job, to start with.

I am lobbying to have this sentence included:

5. I am trained as a thoracic surgeon but my goal is to become the best cab driver in all of New York.

One question/answer combination that leaves me uncertain is this one: Who is protected by the Bill of Rights? The answer is "Everyone who lives in the United States." I think that answer is misleading. Originally it meant white male citizens. Now it is much more inclusive, but I am not certain that it includes illegal immigrants, so-called terrorists, or, frankly speaking, non-citizens. I will research this and get back to you, but I do not believe that I have the right to bear arms until I am a citizen. Not that I want it or will want it later.

My authority for this information is a gun shop owner. I walked off the street a few years back and said, "Hi. I'm an alien. Can I buy a gun, a really big one?'

He said no.

I'll check into it further and report back.